The 2014 Pitchfork Music Festival Chicago line-up was just announced, and unlike all those other uptight Chicago hospitality establishments, we’re not afraid to take off the gloves, throw caution to the wind, and organize the artists into a totally meaningless top-10 list, that is doomed to be buried in a sea of internet lists, that no one will ever read.

10) Sharon Van Etten – We loved Tramp, we love everything she’s done with the Antlers and the National, and we

love Sharon. But, we know her music will be the last thing we’re going to want to hear on a scorching July afternoon after we’ve double fisted a couple of sugar-free Red Bulls and are on our third PBR. Let’s keep Sharon on Sunday morning NPR broadcasts where she belongs.

9) tUnE-yArDs – We only know a couple of Merrill Garbus’s songs, and they’re alright, but truthfully, the only reason her band’s on this list is because we wanted to type out her band name. tUnE-yArDs. tUnE-yArDs. Try it. It’s tricky, yet satisfying.

8) Diiv – When Oshin first came out, we played it constantly from the frontdesk speakers. It’s really perfect frontdesk music. But when we found out the lead singer was dating Skye Ferreira, we became insanely jealous and decided to exact our revenge by bumping Diiv out of the top 7. Also, we think their clothes are stupid.

7) Sun Kil Moon – Did you little jerks even see the Steve Martin masterpiece that is Shopgirl? Maybe? Here’s a quick refresher. Now get excited about Sun Kil Moon.

6) Kendrick Lamar – A couple months ago we saw Kendrick open up for Kanye West at the United Center, and we were kinda “meh”. But then we saw him on the Grammy’s with the Imagine Dragons, and he blew our socks off. If Grammy’s Kendrick shows up, his performance alone will be worth the cost of admission.

5) Slowdive – Listening to Slowdive makes us feel like we’re floating on a cloud made of heroin.

4) Grimes – We saw Grimes at Pitchfork two years ago and she was amazing. We were a little bummed that that frowny sex android from the future who was in her Genesis video wasn’t there, but it was still crazy. Also, we’re in love with Claire Boucher, but don’t want to tell her because we know that she would just think it’s a joke and laugh in our face and then we’d feel ashamed and to not make her feel all weird about it, play it off like we were just joking, eventhough we weren’t joking, and were totally dead serious and then bury that feeling down inside until we can’t look at her without clenching our fists and crying.

3) Neutral Milk Hotel – When else are we going to get a chance to see someone play the saw?

2) Death Grips – Death Grips would be our top choice, but there’s like a 95% chance they’ll pull a classic Death Grips and not even show up.

1) Pusha T – When Clipse first came out, there was some heated debates over who was the star MC of the hip-hop duo. And

from the get-go, we were on Team No Malice. No Malice had such a tight flow and was able to pack words into these incredibly succinct verses that would blow our minds. And Pusha T just seemed to have kind of a weird voice. But then we heard his verse on Runaway and it made us think again. And when Fear of God II came out, our allegiance was officially swayed. Pusha T, if you’re reading, you are the 2014 Pitchfork Music Festival Artist Urban Holiday Lofts is most excited to see.

Yeah, that’s right. We’re not that into Beck. So what? If you got a problem with that, Book a Room, and flip the bird to whoever is at the frontdesk when you check-in.